Going back to the beginning?

Dearest diary,

Everything seems to be going wrong this week for a few of us... It's like plans aren't working, always changing, my favourite cousins abandoning me here in Malaysia, one destined for Melbourne and the other to Singapore and then there's my friend having problems with her family because of her grandmother who was diagnosed with diabetes, then fell down a month ago and now has fractured bones and unable to walk well.. And problems are starting to boil up for her father's side of the family about responsibilities to care for the grandmother. Long story... But... This got me thinking... I might be facing this sooner or later as my grandfather is having serious case of Parkinson now.. The disease degenerating him every minute of his life left on earth.. And... There would be a possibility of my grandmother staying in my house if anything happens. So i would also be giving up my bedroom (same case as my friend who gave her bedroom to her grandma) and since its also my dad's side of the family which has four siblings... i guess we may have this thing out responsibilities too... Well hopefully not! But its definitely going to be a problem here. And the worse part is... my friend's grandmother, who doesn't want to live anymore because she is giving problems to her family. Only just now she went unconscious because she DID NOT take her medications and food whole day! Oh god.. Doesn't she realise that doing this is burdening her family more?? Sighs... Isn't life really not as sweet as i thought it would be anymore??

Plus just now i took my results for my Biochem after Biochem class. Before that, we were all lining up the lecturers office.. Just waiting and waiting and waiting and AT LAST! Its my turn... As i walk on shakily towards my fate, i discovered i had only 63.3 out of a hundred marks!!! Oh... My heart nearly broke into two pieces... I really studied hard for this test. Starting my studies early in the week, memorizing everything twice and that fateful day of exams, i got bloody sick!!! Urgh!! I am mad at myself of even letting me get sick!! I never ever and hardly ever get sick! Ok... Anyways.... I was wrecking my brains for an answer... I guess it's my mind set... I need to set it into positive thinking mode again and now looking back... I feel i have no friends apart from a few, no boyfriend when everyone around me is practically covered in one (even though i know i don't need one, i just want to be emo, so let me be emo), I have no bloody brains AND is always bloody upset and unappreciative of all the good things that surround me.. I know i might have nearly everything a person could wish for.. but i am still unhappy!! I guess Felicia's blog post that said that she has been pampering and saturating herself too much with good things that made her forget her true self. I think i am stuck in the similar situation too.. It's like... Any happenings or events that used to make me excited and made me have a sleepless night thinking bout it aren't working anymore. Too much good things surrounding me, making me blind towards all of it. And i realised, everything that i had before like the times i spent with my family, i miss it so much that i am home sick practically every time i come back to INTI..

Everything was so exciting then.. What changed??? Is it my goals which got stagnant along my journey along this wrong path i took? Or i changed?? My view... My perspective of the world.. It i no longer that safe place i have in mind just a little while back before i started at INTI. Now i have to worry about getting a good university to study in so my future employers would want to hire me so i can make loads of money to pay of my loans. And just recently... My parents went to see the lawyer or representative of the bank to charge the house to the bank so that they can get money for me for my education. There's one more thing to worry about. Don't you think that i should be feeling guilty??? For taking all the cash my parents put in by pure hard work to pay up for the house for 7 years??? And i just snatched everything away because i want a degree.. And i dare demand for nice stuff from them and still enjoying myself here while they pay up for every damn thing i am using right now. How many times have i looked at my friends having Ipods, techie MP4s and MP3s, hand phones of the latest models, expensive clothes, bags, playing expensive sports, driving expensive cars and the list really drags on.. And how many times I couldn't afford nice looking unusable birthday presents that are up to their standards just because i am trying to save?? Its like i am looking at dollars signs of every object! And they still dare LAUGH at what i get them??? Now i understand what my parents are saying all along.. never compare with others as it will only present to you pressure and desires and after a long while... you will learn to hate them. That's what i am doing now! So have to be more considerate from now on... Going Swinburne as it has cheaper tuition fees, not spending on unnecessary things.. I have to sacrifice for my parents June! Don't compare with others anymore. Just focus on goals (about to make one)!

Ahhh.. I feel i have spiritually grown inside.. And i have to grow ever more everyday. So i have to start appreciating all the wonderful things that were bestowed upon me, like i have an irreplaceable and most loving family whom i know would do anything just to make me happier. Thank you mummy and daddy for putting so much hopes, sacrifices and hard work on me! And Felicia once asked this question... Why can parents care for 10 children and not 10 children care for their parents in the same way? Ah.. I think i have an answer to this..

I guess.. Its because parents, who have gone through so much, emotionally, raising them, sacrificing all their wants, loving so much, GIVING so so much for YEARS just to provide to their very extend. Imagine the courage, determination, discipline, love they had built in them over the years that it becomes part of them. While children, who hasn't been in this world long enough, hasn't seen what their parents have gone through, only taking, taking and taking, not knowing that their parents would jump from cliffs of the ends of the world to make their own flesh and blood....... just..... happy......

I now realised this fact and will from now on, change my attitude towards life. And one more thing to add... When i went hiking at Bukit Gasing last week, A classic Thought suddenly ran through my head when i was climbing up a particular steep and long stretch of hill, "Life is full of ups and downs where sometimes.. a down will last longer, but the up will definitely come in the end to lead you on, to not giving up yourself. And with powerful mind and determination, i have a feeling a can do this! Whats my new goal?? It's to make my parents feel like it was all worth it giving me values that no amount of money cant buy. I love you mummy and daddy. Love you and forever will.... And even though i may have forgotten you sometimes, i am sorry for that. But i will sincerely say this..

I love you again..and a million times more for eternity..

Sincerely,
June

Fruitless attempts

Ahahaha.. Failed attempts at reviving blog.... Now waiting for genetics class at 4pm.. Sighs.....Anyway.. Just facebook-ed AND just did a "How Girly Are You" test done due to no-choiceness and boredom as i had the invitation from a friend. OMG.. I am a 0% girl!!! Which is another way of saying i am a tomboy.. Am fainting in shock... If anybody agrees with this come tell me and i shall settle with you personally.. >,<

Well.... Some updates about my life in INTI... They are having a College Model Angels Search contest now between a few colleges such as Taylors, Sunway, INTI (of course), etc.. Well, you should go check them out! CLICK HERE for website! Something worth watching during times of boredom such as THIS.. One of the best i HEARD is this russian girl Goloushakiaq Marianna Igorevna (Candidate 31). Maybe there are better ones? And plus! This is the time where the beachwear are put up! ^^

Alright, enjoy! Back to facebook-ing for me...

Love,

June